


Philkas~ We always hurt the ones we love

by Philkas_is_Life



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-08-31 04:15:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8563654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philkas_is_Life/pseuds/Philkas_is_Life
Summary: His eyes connected with Philips intensely, and it was only seconds before he was completely hard. He opened his mouth slightly as his breathing increased, still focusing on the brown eyes that weren't chocolate brown, but a much darker deeper brown. This takes place during episode 4 of eyewitness, picking up when Lukas is with Rose right before Philip shows up. It is going to have drama, so please don't complain that there is too much drama or whatever. I hope you like :)P.S- the beginning might not be that great, but it does get better. I think it starts getting better around part 4.





	1. Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Twitter @ Philkas_is_Life

All Lukas feels is nervous and worried. Most teenage boys in his position would already be halfway to finishing, but he wasn't even hard. Rose looks at him and says "still nothing" as more of a statement than a question, her tone thick with annoyance. "I've been doing this for like 15 minutes!" 

"I know, I know. Just keep going." He says, mostly trying to shut her up. He rolls his head back so that he won't be looking at her anymore. Then he sees Philip walking up.

Rose starts moving a little faster, with more purpose as Lukas finally starts getting turned on. He focuses on Philip who pulled out his phone and is recording. Philip notices him looking at him and looks up from his phone.

His eyes connected with Philips intensely, and it was only seconds before he was completely hard. He opened his mouth slightly as his breathing increased, still focusing on the brown eyes that weren't chocolate brown, but a much darker deeper brown. Those eyes made him feel things that Rose couldn't make him feel with her whole body. He looked down slightly to Philip's lips, wishing that they were on his, longing for them to run over every inch of him. Just the thought sent shivers running through his whole body.

As he looked back up to fall into those dark eyes again, he saw something in them. It was a look of pain and hopelessness.

 

Philip was staring. He couldn't help it. He knew what he had come here to do, but seeing it hurt more than he ever had thought it could. He knew all about pain, physical and emotional. 

His mind wandered back to the first time one of his mom's boyfriends had hit him. He was 7 at the time, and the mans name was Gregg. Gregg and his mom had been seeing each other for about 2 months, and he had made himself right at home in their apartment. It was late, or late for a 7 year old at least. Gregg had told him to get him a beer, and when he was trying to get it from the high shelf he dropped it and it broke on the floor. 

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO, DUMB ASS!??!!?!!!??!"

He can still hear the word so clearly, and feel the fear and panic he had felt when Gregg started coming towards him, and the pain that he felt when Gregg had punched him to the ground and started kicking him. And the anger he felt as his mom had run in to try and stop it and was knocked to the ground. 

Philip snapped out of his trance to see Lukas who still had Rose on top of him, _and son of a bitch he looked like he was starting to enjoy himself._

All of that pain that he had felt all those years ago was nothing compared to the tidal wave of hurt that suddenly took over him. He was staring into Lukas's eyes and he could feel his own start to sting, it was a feeling he had felt countless times before. He hurriedly turned and walked away, not wanting that asshole to see him cry.

Lukas saw the look on Philip's face and immediately grew cold. 

"What happened?" Rose questioned and Lukas snapped his head up to look back at her, almost having forgotten about her. He immediately looked back to Philip, only seeing the empty spot where he had been standing.


	2. Philip's Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might delete this part because I wrote it at 2 a.m. when I was falling asleep and I don't really like it, but I will leave it for now and you can just skip it if you want. Let me know in the comments if anyone wants me to leave it up. But please don't stop reading if you don't like this part, and keep in mind this is my first story.

_Fuck him. Fuck him and his girlfriend and his lies and his bullshit. I don't need this. I'm done, I can't do it anymore.  
_

_I know that I'm only lying to myself, because I do need Lukas. I need him in a way that scares me and excites me and in a way that I have never needed anyone. I need him like I need air to breathe. I don't know how it all happened so fast, one minute I'm running into him outside of a mini market and the next I can't imagine him not being a part of me.  
_

_I can still feel the way my heart quickened and my breathe caught in my throat when I first saw him, and I feel it again and again every time he is near me. It was just a random afternoon outside of the same old mini market I have been going to since I got here, and then there he is. I see him and everything changes. And I knew it would, from that first moment. Because it had to. Because I needed him and I couldn't ever go back to the way things were._

_As much as he hurts me, again and again, living everyday without him would be so much worse. I know because I feel it. Every time I want to run up and kiss him at school or in public and I can't even talk to him, can't even go near him. It feels like I'm dead. Like I'm just a shell walking around missing everything inside and having to pretend like it's there. I feel hollow and empty and Jesus, it hurts. There is nothing inside and my body caves in on itself and I can't even move, I'm just a shell without a soul behind my eyes.  
_

_What terrifies me a lot, maybe more than anything else, is what would happen if he ever saw it. If he ever realized just how much I need him and want him and miss him and love him._

 

_I love him.  
_

 

_I'm so scared that he will find out and leave. I'm always scared of him leaving me, of him telling me he doesn't feel the same or that I was just and experiment or worse. I'm scared that I wouldn't be able to be near him again because ever since that first day the only time I can breathe is when I'm with him. When it's just me and him in the moments I wish could last forever. When I press my lips to his and taste him savoring every second and when our tongues find each others and increase the sensation and when I touch him and move my hands over his skin and feel my skin on his and feel his warmth as it sends shivers up my spine. I get as close to him as I can and hold on for as long as I can before he stops it. And then I stop being able to breathe again.  
_

_I wished he felt the way I did. I want to feel him need me as badly as I need him. I want him to hold on to me and never let go, not for his father or for his friends or for Rose or anyone. I want him to be the one to take my virginity and I want to be the one to take his. I want to see him and feel him and hear him for every second of it, but I guess that isn't an option anymore.  
_

_I can't believe he actually fucked her. I guess somehow there was a part of my mind thinking that maybe he cared more about me than Rose, that maybe he really did like me like he had told me he did when trying to convince me to film them. That maybe he really did feel what I did in those moments.  
_

_But he was just using me the same way he always had. It hurts so much, like trying to swallow hot lava. But I know that no matter what I can't let him get away from me, I can't lose him.  
_

 


	3. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was drunk. Not just drunk, but completely wasted. That much was clear to Lukas. Philip had been in his barn when he walked in, and was now asleep on his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this hasn't been very good so far :/ but I hope you like it! Please feel free to leave a comment or kudos if you want! I just want to say thank you to everyone who has read/left kudos, it really means a lot! After I write more of this I think I'm gonna start writing one-shots because I would be a lot better at that lol. Thanks for reading!

"So ho-how was i-it? With R-Rose I meann? Wass it good?" he said when Lukas walked in, making Lukas jump.

"Jesus Philip you scared me. What are you doing here? What if my dad were home?" 

"You di-didn't answerr me" 

Lukas noticed the slur in his words and almost empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. 

"You're drunk."

"I-I'm ffine"

"Come on, i'll take you home." Lukas said walking towards Philip, but when he reached out for his shoulder his hand was smacked away.

"N-no. I'm not g-going anywhere un-until you answer mme"

Lukas sighed in annoyance, but knowing his dad was out of town for the weekend he decided he would let Philip sleep it off inside.

"At least come inside with me"

"O-okay" he said and started walking, almost falling over when Lukas caught him.

Lukas managed to get him upstairs with his arm around his waist and Philip's slung over his shoulder. He laid him on his bed and pulled off his shoes. On the way in, Philip had thrown up in the grass and gotten it on his shirt and pants, so Lukas pulled his shirt off over his head. His eyes lingered on Philip's chest for a few seconds before he went to take off his pants. His hands were shaking as he undid the button and pulled down the zipper. He slid them down over Philip's hips and then pulled them off completely. He looked at Philip, now only wearing boxers and socks and so many thoughts crossed his mind about what he wanted to do to him. And what he wanted done to himself by Philip. He had been staring for a few minutes, lust clear on his face, when he heard Philip talk and snapped out of it.

"I feel sleepy" Philip said with his eyes closed and a small giggle, and Lukas couldn't help but smile at how cute he sounded when he giggled. "Can I tell you a secret?"

Lukas nodded, but said sure when he realized that Philips eyes were closed.

"I-I'm in love." he said grinning "but don't tell Lukas" 

"With who?" Lukas shot back with his eyebrows furrowed together, thinking that Philip must be talking about someone else. And that he must think he's talking to someone else. He didn't fully understand why that upset him so much, the idea of Philip with someone else. He was with Rose, after all. But still he felt a rush of anger and sadness and a pain in his chest.

"With him. Lukas." 

A shock unlike anything he had ever felt before went through Lukas's whole body. "Well why can't I tell him? Or why don't you tell him?" He asked with a confused look on his face and a warm feeling in his chest.

The grin left Philip's face and, just before drifting off, he whispered "because he'll leave me."

 


	4. Part 3

 

Lukas sat by Philip on the bed and watched him while he slept. He was sure Philip wouldn't remember what happened when he woke up, but still he couldn't get it out of his mind.

_"I-I'm in love."_

_"With him. Lukas."_

He kept hearing those words in his head, and they scared him. And not in the way he thought they would. 

They scared him because they made him feel happy and nervous and excited, which is all the things he never thought he would feel about a _boy_ being in love with him. 

Until Philip came along he didn't really think he could have feelings for a guy. He knew that he wasn't really into Rose, but he didn't think that that meant that he would never be into girls, just that he hadn't found the right one yet. And then he saw Philip.

If he was being honest, he never really felt anything towards anyone but Philip. It was like he wasn't straight, but he wasn't gay either. There was just Philip. He never though about anyone the way he thought about Philip. He never wanted anyone the way he wanted Philip. He never felt like he truly needed someone until Philip.

He just couldn't stop staring at him. He thought about how beautiful he looked, laying there, almost completely naked. But the problem was he also felt like he was so _wrong_ for thinking about him this way. He felt ashamed of how much he wanted to kiss him, to feel Philip's tongue with his. And of how much he wanted to strip off his own clothes and just feel his skin pressed against Philip's. 

He was so distracted, so mesmerized by this boy, that he didn't notice the sound of the front door opening and closing. He didn't notice his door open slightly. He was staring at Philip, and he could not get the thought of touching him out of his mind. He slowly reached out, hand trembling as a single tear fell from his eye. He hesitated as he neared Philip, but eventually rested his hand on Philip's chest, feeling it rise and fall. He closed his eyes as he let out a breathe and a few more tears streamed down his face.   
_How could something that felt this good, that he **needed** this much, be wrong?_

He didn't notice his door shut quietly, but he did notice Philip shiver. Not wanting to move him to put him under the blankets he was laying on, Lukas went to his closet and got the spare comforter he used when the one on his bed needed to be washed. He laid it gently over Philip, being careful not to disturb him, and walked around to the other side of his bed. 

Still watching Philip, he pulled his shirt over his head and slipped his jeans off. He slipped under the comforter into his bed, in nothing but his boxers. He laid on his side looking at Philip, watching him breathe and thinking about how amazing he looked, just lying there sleeping peacefully, not a hint of worry on his face. He stayed like that, with only a few inches between them, until he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, internalized homophobia is a really horrible problem for so many people. It makes me so sad seeing Lukas struggle with it in the show, and writing about it.
> 
> I hope you guys liked this one! Who do you think it was in the house? Lukas's dad? Rose? Or someone else entirely...
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read this and added kudos. It truly means so much to me!


	5. Short Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's super short, sorry

Bo's meeting was cancelled. He came home early. He thought his son was sleeping, so he quietly checked on him. What he saw though, was the last thing he ever expected to. 

The boy who his son had fought with and gotten drunk with was now in his bed, only wearing boxers. Thinking about it freaked him out. 

_Maybe I have it wrong. I mean they weren't really doing anything. But then why was Lukas's hand on his chest. And why was he crying. Maybe they were drunk again. Maybe Lukas was just really drunk._

Bo thought and thought about it all night as he sat outside in his truck. He couldn't bring himself to go back in the house.


	6. Part 5

When Philip woke up, he was surprised. Shocked really. His forehead was pressed to Lukas's. Their legs were intertwined, and their arms were around each other. His head was pounding and he had no idea how he came to be lying with Lukas in his bed like this, but he didn't really care. He just looked at Lukas for a moment and closed his eyes. He didn't go back to sleep, he just lied there, with Lukas.

When Lukas woke up, he felt completely happy for a moment, lying like that with Philip. But only for a moment. And then he remembered all the reasons why he shouldn't be happy.

Noticing that he was awake, Philip grinned said "hey" in a low morning I-just-woke-up voice, keeping his eyes shut. And Lukas thought it was the sexiest thing he had ever heard. 

"What happened last night? Did we..." Philip began noticing their lack of clothing.

"No" Lukas interrupted "How much do you remember?"

"Well... lets see... I came over. I was upset about you and Rose, so I was drinking. Whiskey right? Jesus."

Lukas didn't understand what the significance of the fact that it was whiskey Philip was drinking was. But then Philip had never told Lukas about his father.

"And then..... I was in your barn?"

"Yeah. You were in the barn." Lukas confirmed after a minute. Neither of them had moved from their cuddled position.

_He doesn't remember._

"I should probably take you home. What did you tell Gabe and Helen?"

"OH FUCK!" Philip shouted as his eyes flew open and he shot up. 

"Come on" Lukas said getting up and pulling his jeans on "I better get you home before Helen calls in a S.W.A.T. team or something."

"Yeah, you'll have to fill me in on last night later" 

"...yeah..." Lukas mumbled looking at the ground.

Within a minute they were flying down the stairs fully dressed. They went out and jumped on Lukas's motorcycle without realizing someone was watching them.

 


	7. Part 6 (1/2- Lukas)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case it isn't clear, the middle part between the lines is from the same day as the last part and the rest is from one week later.

He missed Philip. It was all he could think about. How much he missed him.

It had been a week since that morning he took Philip home, and he hadn't seen or spoken to him since. And it definitely wasn't from a lack of wanting to. That week had been the longest and one of the worst of his life, and all he wanted to do was tell him about it.

___

When he got back from taking Philip home, his dad was waiting for him in the living room. 

He was smiling, the goodbye kiss Philip gave him replaying in his head. _He jumped off the motorcycle and started running towards the house when he ran back like he had forgotten something. He gave Lukas a dirty, messy, wet kiss before pulling back and grinning._

_"See you later" Philip had said in a seductive out of breathe voice before taking off towards the house again._

The smile immediately left his lips when he noticed his dad. 

"Dad, what are you doing here? You weren't supposed to be home until tomorrow"

"Where were you?" 

"Huh? Oh... um I was just going for a ride."

"Don't lie to me. I saw you leave with Philip. What was he doing here?"

Lukas was silent for a moment, with panic in his eyes.

"Nothing dad... he just... he needed some notes for school"

"On a Saturday morning?"

"Well... there's a big test on Monday and he probably wants to study over the weekend..."

Bo nodded his head, eyes wondering to the floor. He thought for a moment before looking back up.

"I don't want you seeing that kid anymore. He's nothing but trouble. He's just some slum trash with a junkie mom. Not the type of person you want to be frien-"

"No he's not!" Lukas shot back angrily, before he could even think about it.

"You're grounded. You're staying home this week. Give me your phone and laptop." Bo responded after staring at his son for a long few minutes.

"But dad I-"

"Don't back talk me!" He shot standing up with an anger burning in his voice and eyes that told Lukas not to say anything else.

___

Lukas hadn't left home all week and was starting to feel a little stir-crazy. Mostly he just wanted to see Philip. He wondered if Philip was thinking about him, missing him. He wondered if he was angry with him, or if he knew what was going on.

Lukas had tried talking to his dad throughout the week, but Bo mostly ignored him. He didn't understand why, not knowing what his dad had seen. He decided that tonight he was going to find out what was going on and how long he was going to be stuck home on the farm for. But he never expected what happened when his dad got home.

"Rose?" Lukas looked from her to his dad and back to her. "What are you doing here?"

"That's no way to talk to your girlfriend son" Bo interrupted.

"I'm sorry it's just... dad can I talk to you for a minute?"

Bo looked over to Rose before walking in the other room with his son.

"Okay what is going on! I'm grounded, not even allowed to go to school, but then you bring my girlfriend over? Seriously dad would you please tell me what is going on? And how much longer it's going to go on for?"

Bo stared at his son for a moment, thinking of how to respond.

"I thought that Rose could fill you in on what you missed at school. Why don't the two of you go upstairs and we can talk about this later when she isn't here. I'm going to go to the hardware store and do a couple of other things so I'll probably be gone for a few hours."

Lukas just stared at his father, thinking he could not get any more confused. He was proven wrong when Bo told Rose that she was 'welcome to stay the night'.

The thought crossed his mind for a second, and he felt light headed and dizzy.

_Maybe he knows something about me and Philip_

 


	8. Part 6 (2/2- Philip)

~Philip's POV~

I haven't seen Lukas in a week. Not since that morning. 

___

I didn't even noticed the puke on my clothes until I was back home. Lucky for me, Helen and Gabe were still asleep. And I mean extremely lucky, because Helen sleeping in a little hardly ever happens.

I quickly and quietly went to my room and changed into pajamas, hiding my pukey clothes under the bed. 

I stayed in my room for about a half hour after I heard Helen and Gabe get up, and then I made my way downstairs, trying to make it seem as though I had just been sleeping. 

"What time did you get in last night?" Was the first thing Helen said when she saw me. Gabe was making them cereal and pulled out a third bowl when he noticed me.

"I know, I'm sorry. I should have been back sooner." 

I was putting in a lot of energy just to make it seem like I wasn't hungover.

"Well thank you but you didn't answer my question." 

This was starting to feel more and more like a police interrogation. 

"Umm... I think it was around 2 am but I'm not really sure" I said not wanting to tell her that I had actually gotten home that morning but also not wanting to say I got home earlier in case she had waited up for me.

"Where did you say you went again?" 

"Helen" Gabe pleaded trying to make her back off a little, but it didn't take.

"I went to a friends to help him edit a video."

"And does this friend have a name?"

"Helen!" Gabe said a bit more insistent this time.

"Mhhmmm... well next time if you are going to be late, call."

"I will, promise."

___

 

I don't know where Lukas has been but I have been trying to figure that out. He hasn't been in school all week, and after he wasn't there on Monday, I went to try and figure out where he was. When I got to his house, I saw Bo's truck and realized he was home, which meant that I had to leave. 

Every day I looked for him at school, and every day when he wasn't there I went to his house, only to find that Bo was home. On Friday I almost knocked on the door, but than thought about how angry Lukas would be at me. I decided to wait until the next day, Bo often went out of town on the weekends.

Sure enough, he wasn't there Saturday night. I knocked a few times, but went in when there was no answer. I heard music coming from Lukas's room, so I headed on up.

  
_End of Philip's POV_

 

"Lukas I-" Philip says opening the door to Lukas's bedroom. His eyes immediately grew wide when he saw Rose and Lukas on Lukas's bed half naked. They both turned and looked at him instantly.

"What are you doing here perve? Get out!" Rose spat as she covered herself up with blankets.

Lukas was silent for a moment as he looked into Philip's eyes with a look of sadness and regret. He could see the pain in Philip's expression, in his eyes. He knew that, yet again, he had hurt this beautiful person who was the last person he wanted to hurt. That look in Lukas's eyes quickly turned into a fake one  of anger.

"You heard her! Get out!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo... yeah. I'm not exactly happy with this chapter... after I finish this story I am going to go back and edit the whole thing though. Sorry I haven't been updating, I'm on vacation with my mom and will try to do better. BUT OMG LAST NIGHTS EPISODE WAS INSANE! Don't worry about spoilers, after where my story picks up in episode 4 it is different and doesn't follow the show. I might include some scenes from the show, but if I do I will put a warning at the beginning that there are spoilers from whichever episode. Thanks so much for your reads, votes, comments, and adding this to your reading this :)


	9. Part 7

Lukas made sure that Rose would be asleep in his bed half naked by the time his dad got back. He figured that would shut down any suspicions his dad may have about him, or worse, about him and Philip. But he was 95% sure he was just being paranoid like always and his dad was clueless like always.

So, he took her up to his room and kissed her, and did a little more than kiss her. He really didn't want to, he didn't enjoy it at all. He was actually a little grossed out by it, not that he would ever admit that to himself. The kissing wasn't horrible, but anything more than that always turned him off.

He felt bad, like he was cheating. But he didn't feel like he was cheating on Rose, he always felt like he was cheating on Philip and he hated feeling like that. Like he was hurting Philip. There was nothing that he hated himself for more than hurting Philip, and yet he managed to keep doing it.

He did it again that night.

Lukas could see it all over Philip's face when Philip walked in on him and Rose. The pain. _The pain that he had caused._ Seeing Philip in pain caused him pain. It was like someone stole all the air from his lungs and set him on fire all at the same time and he didn't know how to make it stop. He suspected the only way that it would stop would be if he could make Philip happy again. All he wanted was for Philip to be happy. He wanted that beautiful goofy smile back on Philip's face.

He didn't let himself speak at first. He swallowed his words. He forced knew ones, ones he hated, out.

Rose was looking at him now, so she didn't notice the tear fall from Philip's left eye. But he noticed, and felt his own eyes sting at that.

Philip just stood there for a minute looking at Lukas, waiting for him to do something or say something more. When he didn't move, Philip turned and walked quickly out of his room and out of his house, and Lukas was silently praying that he wasn't also walking out of his life.

He needed Philip more than he would admit to anyone, himself included. But he knew it nonetheless. 

 

"What the hell was that?!" Rose started as soon as Philip was gone "Why was he here? Why would he just walk in like that? Has he been here before?" 

Lukas just sat there; not moving, not talking. He was suddenly filled with rage, all he wanted was for Rose to leave.

"ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER ME LUKAS!?!" She yelled when he didn't answer her

"Get. Out. Now." He said as quietly and calmly as he possibly could, the anger and frustration clear in his voice. 

"What the fuck Lukas?!" Rose was looking at him, but he wouldn't meet her gaze.

"I said to get out" he responded, still managing not to yell at her. Though he wanted to. Mostly for the way she had spoken to Philip. And the way she always spoke about him. It drove him insane whenever his friends would say things about Philip, and he didn't even think of them as friends anymore. His only real friend was Philip. The only person he cares about is Philip, and it is getting so hard to keep going on like this, pretending to like the people he hates and pretending to hate the only person he really likes. He feels overwhelmed by it all, and he needs to calm down.

Rose gathered her stuff and got dressed grumbling under her breathe, and angrily left making sure to slam the door on her way out.

As soon as she was gone, Lukas fell apart. It was the anger that came out first. He punched his wall repeatedly, leaving a large hole. He punched it until his hands were bloody, and then the tears started pouring down his face and the rage was gone. He slid down the wall shirtless and just sat there like that; on the floor, bleeding, silently sobbing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, just remember I did warn you guys about the drama in the beginning summary so you can't be mad.  
> Also, thanks again to everyone reading/bookmarking/commenting/leaving kudos! It means a ton to me, like you have no idea <3


	10. Part 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, let me apologize. I am sorry that this has taken so long, I am on vacation with my mom and have been busy, and I have also struggled a lot with this chapter. I have been blocked and pretty frustrated because I know where I want this story to go I've just been having trouble getting it there. Anyways, I'm still not satisfied with this, but like I have said before I plan to go back and edit the whole thing once it is done. Please keep in mind that this is my first story and I didn't really plan ahead with it, so it might seem a little off, but I will make it flow better when I do the editing. Anyways, I really hope you enjoy! Kudos and comments are always appreciated, don't be shy! And feel free to point out any mistakes also!

Lukas woke up the next morning on his floor. His first thought was Philip, though Philip was always the first thing he thought about in the morning. And the last thing he thought about at night and what he thought about throughout most of the day every day, too. Still, today was different. He knew, he could see it on Philip's face last night.

_He might not forgive me this time._

It hurt like hell just thinking about it.

He went to the bathroom right away to clean up the dried blood and wash his face, which was puffy from crying. He splashed the cool water on his face and looked up into the mirror. He hates himself.

It isn't the way he looks or anything like that, he doesn't really care much about that stuff. It's that he thinks that he only ever hurts people. That there were only two people that he ever loved and one was dead. And the other... he just kept causing the other pain. But he also hates himself for being interested in Philip in the first place, his fathers words as he was growing up playing over and over in his head.

_Those queers are disgusting._

_Those fags should be lined up and shot._

His father had said a lot of things like that, but those two were the ones that always seems to echo through Lukas's head when he was trying to sleep, or when he was trying to study, or when his eyes lingered a bit to long on Philip from across the room. Still, he never heard it when he was _with_ Philip. Philip made him better. Philip was the only thing, the only one who made him better.

Lukas was making progress, whether he knew that or not, and it was all thanks to Philip.

He didn't know where he would be if Philip had never come along.

Would he still be convinced he liked girls? Would he think he was incapable of having those kinds of feeling towards anyone? Would the loneliness have becoming completely overwhelming?

Before Philip, he felt completely alone, like no one knew him. Like everyone saw him in a certain way that was completely different than who he actually was. He had absolutely no idea who he was, but he knew he wasn't who everyone thought he was.

When Philip came along, it was like he could see right through him, see into his soul. It was like even if he still didn't know who he was, it was okay because Philip knew. They had a connection that neither of them really understood.

He tried to force those thoughts out of his head, hearing his father's voice again. He just didn't understand anymore, how what Philip made him feel was wrong. Philip, he was quite sure, had saved his life. If Philip hadn't come along, he probably would have swallowed too many pills or cut himself too deeply to recover from. And he would have become another statistic. As hard as loving Philip is for him, it also saved him. It still saves him, every day.

It was Sunday, and after cleaning himself up, Lukas went to go get started on his chores. He didn't know where his dad had gone, but he was pretty sure his father hadn't come home last night. Most people would be worried, but this wasn't the first time his father had done something like this.

He walked outside, but stopped as he saw a figure on the ground to his right in his peripheral vision. His eyes flew over, and he felt his heart drop as he looked at the bloody beaten person on the ground, unconscious.


	11. Part 9

_Philip was 8 now and Gregg was gone, and now there was Charlie. Charlie, Philip thought when he first moved in, must be better than Gregg. Charlie even had a job. He was a police officer._

_One night, Charlie came home late and woke Philip, telling him to come with him._

_"There's something you should see kid."  
_

_Charlie took Philip, who was still wearing his pajamas which were too small and had holes in them, to a crime scene. No one else was there. Or at least no one else **alive** was there.  
_

_"I wanted to turn him into a man! He likes playing with dolls for fucks sake!" Charlie yelled at Anne, who was in the process of kicking him out. Philip sat between her feet, terrified, tears streaming down his face. He was hugging his mother's leg as tightly as he possibly could._

_Philip had seen a lot in the first 8 years of his life, more than anyone should have to see, but it wasn't until that day that he had seen someone gruesomely murdered. He can still see it so clearly, the young girl, no more than 22, whose eyes were still open even though there was a knife stuck in the back of her head. There was so much blood._

_______  
_

Everything was fuzzy, and all Philip could see clearly was the blood. _His_ blood.

________

Philip left the house in a hurry, closing the door quietly behind himself.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

He recognized the voice before he turned around, but was still surprised by the look on Bo's face.

"What? Um... nothing I-"

"Did Lukas ask you to come over?"

"No, no I-" He started, but was cut off again by Bo.

"Don't lie to me! What is it you two have been doing? Has he... has he done anything with you?"

Philip was confused by the question at first, but more surprised when he realized what Bo meant. He could see Bo's face twisting into an expression he recognized, and he immediately felt the need to protect Lukas, like he could save him from a nightmare that he was all to familiar with.

"No, it's my fault. He was nice to me and I wanted more. I think I just confused him, but he doesn't really like me that way." Philip spoke all to calmly, like he was expecting to just be able to walk home after what he just said. He could see it on Bo's face and somehow didn't care about what was going to happen to him. He was used to it, and he felt as if he deserved it. 

Bo immediately swung at him, his fist meeting the boy's jaw. Philip fell to the ground and just laid there, not moving, not making a noise except for the involuntary grunts that he made every time Bo's fist or foot connected with him.

______

It was dark, and Rose was so angry. She didn't notice the bloody body on the ground to the right when she stomped out.

Philip was barely conscious and couldn't see anything other than his blood. _There was so much blood._

 


	12. Part 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been so busy & so blocked when it comes to this story :/
> 
> So yeah I'm sorry this has taken so long and is so short, I was going to wait until I got more done to publish but I'm just really blocked and didn't want to keep you guys waiting, so here you go!
> 
> Also, I'm going to be starting a collection of Philkas one-shots and will be publishing the first one later today, so go check it out please!
> 
> P.S: thank you guys so much for over 2k and over 1k on Wattpad!!! It is unbelievable and amazing and I'm shocked! I love you guys!

**Lukas's POV**

My face is wet.

Why is my face wet?

I bring my shaking hand up to feel my face.

Tears.

When did I start crying?

I quickly notice that my other hand is holding onto something. It's cold.

I look up.

Philip?

I look around. We're in an ambulance. Why?

Wait. Why is Philip so cold?

I look back to him. He's laying down. His eyes are closed. There's blood. All over. I can't breathe. What's happening?

I'm trying to ask, but it's not working. Everything is blurry. I need to help Philip. I try getting up, but everything goes black.  


______

I take a deep breath in and my eyes fly open as I shoot up. My eyes start searching frantically.

Hospital room.

 

_Philip._

 

There's something on my face, wrapping around it, going into my nose. I rip it off. There's something in my arm. I pull it out. I'm running, looking. Where is he?

 

I see Helen and Gabe at the end of the hall. Gabe is crying.

No. No no no no no.

Why would he be crying?

Philip's fine, he has to be.

I can't breathe again.

 

"-shouldn't have gotten out-"

 

I barely hear what she says, I'm running down the hall, towards Helen and Gabe.

I open my mouth, trying to speak, but the words won't come out.

Gabe seems to understand though.  


 

"He's alive. He's in surgery."

I close my eyes, taking a deep breathe. He's alive. _He's alive.  
_

 

"W-why?" I finally manage to force out, stuttering.

"There was some internal bleeding."

 


	13. Part 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this story Helen & Gabe don't know that Philip is gay. Philip never came out and neither of them even suspect it. I know that this story picks up after he came out to them, but in this story that never happened. If you are confused/ have any question don't hesitate to ask!
> 
> Also, I have published my first Philkas one-shot, so go check it out if you want!

**Philip's POV**

I slowly open my eyes, seeing Helen and Tony sitting over at the side of the room, in uniform.

I don't need to look around to know where I am.

"Maybe you should have let him in, Philip's not even awake yet. Plus, he did save Philip's life." I overhear Tony saying.

"Absolutely not, we need to question him before we allow any visitors in, even if he did call the ambulance."

"Well what about Gabe he-" Tony cuts off as he hears me groan. They both look over and, seeing me awake, immediately get up and walk over to me.

"Philip, what happened? Who did this to you?"

I open my mouth to answer the question, but a million thoughts fill my head, stopping me.

_Bo did this to me._

_Lukas's dad._

_Because I'm gay._

_He would go to jail. Lukas would hate me._

"I-I don't remember." I lie.

"Are you sure?" Helen says raising her eyebrows at me. "What do you remember?"

"I was leaving Lukas's house when someone hit me from behind. And then I'm waking up here." I lie again. I'm a good liar.

I wasn't always. When I was little I could never get away with lying. But I had to learn.

_'No, I'm fine.' I found myself saying all the time._

_'I'm not hungry mom- you need to eat.' I would tell her when we didn't have enough money for much food. Which was quite often._

_'I just have a really fast metabolism' I would say if anyone commented on how thin I was._

_'I ran into a door' or 'I fell down the stairs' are a couple of the things that I would tell people when they saw my bruises, which I were usually able to keep hidden._

Eventually, I became an expert at lying. If I didn't, I would have been taken from my mom a lot sooner than I was.

"Are you sure that's it?"

"I'm sure. Can I see Lukas now? I overheard you guys talking- is he the one who called the ambulance?" Helen shares a look with Tony.

"Yes. And I suppose that you can see him, but you need to let me know right away if you remember anything. I'll give you guys 15 minutes, but then Gabe will want to see you."

I nod in response, and watch as Helen and Tony leave.

A few minutes later, Lukas runs in. My eyes trail over him as he stops in the doorway; he's wearing a hospital gown, his eyes are bloodshot, and there are tear stains on his cheeks. His whole appearance is disheveled.

 


	14. Part 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the last part was kinda bad :/ so I wanted to give you lovelies this, the part some of you have been waiting for :-)
> 
> Love you all!

They both just look at each other for a minute, taking in the others appearance. Neither one of them looks quite like themselves.

Lukas swallows, his adams apple bobbing up and down, and Philip opens his mouth to ask Lukas why he is in a hospital gown. But Lukas beats him to it, breaking the silence.

"Ph-Philip... who- who did this to you?" He says as he makes his way next to Philip's bed.

"I don't remem-"

"-Don't lie to me" Lukas says sternly. He is so angry- not at Philip of course- but the anger is clear in his voice and expression.

Philip's eyebrows pull together in confusion. He can usually always get away with lying- heck, he can even fool Helen- so why can Lukas see right through him?

"I-I'm not"

Lukas is quiet for a moment, just looking at Philip.

"Please, Philip"

"I told you I don't-"

"Why are you protecting someone who almost killed you?!?!" Lukas shouts, surprising even himself with how loud he was.

"I'm not protecting them I'm protecting you!!!" Philip yells back before he can stop himself.

And now both of them are quiet again, just looking at each other. Lukas's face contorts as he goes over what Philip just said and Philip just studies every expression that passes through his features.

"I don't know what you're thinking, but you not telling who did this to you is the opposite of helping me" Lukas says shaking his head.

"You know, I hated what you did with Rose in the woods that day, I really hated it. But at least in some twisted way I understood why you were doing it. But sleeping with her again? Why did you even bother calling the ambulance?" Philip's voice gets so quiet over the last part he isn't sure that Lukas heard it.

"Wh-what? Is that what you think? Why would you say that? Do you really think I want you to die?"

Philip just looks at the floor, not saying anything.

"Look at me Philip" He says and Philip's eyes slowly make their way up to his.

"I never slept with her." He says it so simply, with so much sincerity that Philip knows he isn't lying.

"What? I... I don't understand"

Lukas breathes out a breath he didn't know he had been holding before continuing.

"I never slept with her. In the woods, she never even took off her clothes. She was just grinding against me. I couldn't- I couldn't even get it up for her." He blushes as he continues "After I looked and saw you were gone, I stopped it. And at my house, I was just trying to get her to fall asleep so that my dad would 'accidentally' see her like that in my bed. He has been acting so weird towards me lately. He grounded me and wouldn't even let me go to school. I got this crazy idea that he knew something about you and me, and I know it was stupid but I was scarred. Some of the things my dad says sometimes really scare me. But Philip- you have to know that I would never, never want anything like this to happen to you. I... I really care about you."

Philip just looks at Lukas, completely surprised. By all of it.

Eventually he slides over, wincing from the pain that moving causes, making room for Lukas on the bed. Lukas doesn't hesitate, just climbs up and lays on his side facing Philip. He wraps his arm lightly around Philip's waist, being extra careful. He presses his face against Philip's cheek, lightly nudging him with his nose. Philip brings his arm up and puts it on Lukas's arm that is wrapped around him.

"We have 7 minutes until Helen and Gabe will be here."

"Please, Philip, I need you to tell me who did this to you. Please."

"...Only if you promise not to tell Helen or anyone."

"Philip-"

"You need to promise. Or I am not telling you."

Lukas is silent for a moment, considering.

"Okay. Okay- I promise."

Philip just breathes for a moment, wanting to give Lukas another minute before he confesses something he knows will hurt him. But he has to do this.

"It was Bo."

 


	15. Part 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for 3k!!! It really means so much to me <3

"MY DAD DID THIS TO YOU?!?" Lukas shot up out of bed, yelling.

"Keep your voice down!"

"Philip- I- I don't......" He doesn't need to ask why, he already knows.

It's his fault. It's his fault that Philip has bruises all over and broken ribs and internal bleeding. It's his fault that Philip had to have surgery. It's his fault that Philip almost died.

He feels sick.

"I-I'm so sorry, Philip, I'm so so sorry" He says with tears falling down his face.

Because now he knows that Philip is all he has, all he ever had, all he wants, and he let this happen to him. And then his mind is racing, going over everything that has happened since they first met and Philip is just looking at him, concerned, as if he knows not to say anything right then.

He thinks of the first time he ever saw Philip, in that stupid convenience store, and it feels like a lifetime ago. He thinks of how he watched Philip, working up the nerve to talk to him. He thinks of how he staged them 'accidentally' bumping into each other and how he asked him to shoot footage for him.

That night in the cabin, and how kissing Philip was so freeing.

When he made Philip keep a secret that could cost them both their lives, and then he starts thinking of how Philip agreed.

Philip agreed to keep a secret that could cost him his life.

_He drank hand sanitizer, because I asked him to? He is still with me, after I hit him? After I made him record me with my girlfriend? After I made him think that I was ashamed of him? After my father beat him nearly to death?_

And now Lukas is just looking at Philip, both of them silent, both of them crying.

And now he finally knows, he finally gets it. He understands that his father is messed up, and that there is nothing wrong with him for loving Philip. That there is something wrong with his father, not him. That all of those things his father had said to him about how disgusting it was to be gay weren't true. The love he has for Philip, that's beautiful. It's amazing and freeing and better than he ever thought anything could be.

And he has to ask, even though he already knows.

"Why don't you want to tell anyone? That it was Bo?" He doesn't feel comfortable calling him his dad. 

And Philip knows not to lie.

"I-if I told... he would probably go to jail. And if he goes to jail, what happens to you? I would never do that to you...I know what it feels like to be taken away..." He trails off.

Lukas walks back over, and sits on the bed next to Philip. He cups Philip's cheeks gently in his hand after wiping away the tears. He leans in and kisses him, slowly, softly, lightly.

"I need you to tell them. I promise that I will be okay- but I _need_ you to tell."

And Philip just nods, because honestly if Lukas asked him to jump off the roof he would do it.


	16. Part 14- Final

He told them, and Lukas never left his side. Gabe and Helen were surprised when they walked in to find their foster son being held by Lukas. And when Lukas saw them, he didn't move. He didn't even think about it. And Philip was so grateful for that.

So he told them that it was Bo, but it didn't stop there. When he was finished Lukas looked at him and said that they should come clean. About everything.

So they did. They talked about that night, in the cabin, and everything since. They explained how they thought that the killer went after Tommy because he was wearing Philip's jacket. They explained it all.

And when they were done, when they got everything out, they knew that things were going to change.

They hoped it would be for the better.

______

It's been three weeks.

Bo is in jail, awaiting trial.

Philip worked with a sketch artist to describe the killer, and Helen was shocked when she saw the finished drawing.

Ryan is also in jail, awaiting trial.

Philip is a lot better now, he's still with Helen and Gabe.

He is also still with Lukas.

Lukas is staying with them now. Philip made it very clear to Helen and Gabe that if Lukas had to leave, he would be going with him. Helen was reluctant, but Gabe convinced her.

They are out at school now, because they need to be, because after everything that happened sometimes they just need to hold onto each other.

Lukas had nightmares sometimes, not about the cabin anymore, about when he found Philip. About Philip being dead. But when he did, he would sneak into Philip's room and sleep curled up with him.

Helen and Gabe noticed, but didn't say anything about it. Because they had also noticed the nightmares that they only had when they slept apart. They don't sleep apart anymore. And they don't have nightmares anymore.

______

"Hey can I ask you something?" Lukas asked hesitantly. 

"You can ask me anything you want" Philip responded, grinning from ear to ear.

"Where's your dad?"

The grin quickly left Philip's face and his mouth opened slightly as his breathing increased. His eyes started to sting as he could feel the memories clawing their way back into his head.

He had never talked about his dad. Not with anyone. He could never talk about it, not when the police asked him or his mom asked him or anyone else asked him.

His mom had told the police about some of what his father did to him, he thought. He was never really sure what his father went to prison for, but his mom must have told them enough to put his father away, even if she never told them the worst of it. Hell, he didn't even know if she knew about the worst of it. They never talked about it.

He was visibly shaking now, and none of it had gone unnoticed by Lukas.

"It's okay, forget I asked. You don't have to talk about it."

But he wanted to. With Lukas. He had never wanted to open up to anyone before, and it terrified him. He was so scared of what Lukas would think about him, about how he would look at him. But he knew he needed to tell him, even if he didn't know why he needed to.

"Hi-his name was Jack.." Philip whispered so softly that he wasn't sure Lukas heard him, but continued after a moment anyway.

"He hated me."

"I'm sure that's not true." Lukas said, trying to comfort him.

"He used to tell me. Everyday. How much he hated me."

Lukas froze for a moment, shocked, before putting his arm around Philip, holding him close. They were sitting on the couch, Gabe and Helen weren't home.

"He never did drugs like mom. He was a drinker. Whiskey. He would send me out to get him some, but who would sell whiskey to a little kid? Whenever I came back empty handed, which was a lot of the time, he would beat me. He would tell me I was worthless, that I had ruined his life, had ruined my mothers life. He would tell me how he tried to get my mom to have an abortion, but she wouldn't."

Lukas could feel tears falling from his eyes as he listened to his boyfriend speaking softly, looking down at the floor. He was watching Philip, and Philip lifted his gaze to meet his.

He went on to tell Lukas everything, talking for hours about his old life. He told him about all the things his father had done to him, the things he never thought he would be able to say out loud. It was Saturday afternoon, and they had planned to go out. They didn't. They talked and they cried and they held each other until they fell asleep after moving to their bed. It was supposed to be Philip's bed, but it had become theirs.

______

They are laying in bed together, it's Sunday morning.

Lukas wakes up, and Philip is on top of him, asleep. They sleep in all sorts of positions, but they are always tangled up in each other, pressed against each other. They need to be, they need to feel the other against them. They tend not to wear clothes, and last night was no exception.

He smiles, looking at how cute Philip is.

Philip's head is on his chest. He never thought that he would be able to sleep like this, with someone on top of him, but now he doesn't know how he would be able to sleep without Philip there.

"I love you, I love you so much." He says quietly before kissing the top of Philip's head.

"I love you too." Philip mumbles back, half asleep.

And they both drift back to sleep, more easily then they have ever been able to before.

***

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW! I can't believe this is the end! I am so sad but at the same time I am super excited!
> 
> Why?
> 
> Because I am going to be starting a new multi-chapter Philkas story that, in my opinion, is like 100,000x better than this!
> 
> It will be an AU in which Lukas lives in the city (the wealthier part) with his dad and goes to a private school with a bunch of other rich kids.
> 
> Philip never got taken away from his mom, and gets a full scholarship to the same private school Lukas goes to.
> 
> I am so excited to share it with you!!!
> 
> I love you ALL and would like to say thank you, thank you so much to anyone who has bothered to read this mess. It was my very first story and I just kind of started it and never planned ahead for any of it and yeah. I have learned a lot from writing this, and I am glad to have shared it with you all. <3
> 
> I am so so thankful to everyone for the comments, kudos, reads, and adding to your reading lists.  
> Shout-out to @Starlight00001 for being so amazing and leaving me the sweetest comments all the time :D
> 
> See you next time!
> 
> P.S- don't forget to check out my one-shots if you haven't yet, and check back for my next story! I am expecting to publish the first part of it in 1-2 weeks. Love you!


End file.
